


The Post-Apocalyptic Family Captain

by Lady_Devinity



Series: A Family Story [2]
Category: Romantically Apocalyptic
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, Family, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-25
Updated: 2013-12-12
Packaged: 2017-11-22 10:47:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 13,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/608994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Devinity/pseuds/Lady_Devinity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of drabbles based on the idea that Snippy is like the mom of the group, Captain the kooky dad and Pilot and Engie as the two annoying brats of the group. May contain references to "Of Cotton Candy and Ballet" but that story doesn't neccessarily need to be read</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dentistry

**Author's Note:**

> Companion to Of Cotton Candy and Ballet. Don't necessarily have to read it though. All you need to know is that Snippy is totally the mom of the group. And there was cotton candy.

**The Post-Apocalyptic Family Captain**

_**A Series of Drabbles** _

_Dark Lady Devinity_

**Dentistry**

Pilot panicked and gripped Snippy's hand tightly. Snippy sighed and adjusted their hands so that their fingers were intertwined. It relieved some of the pressure.

"Do you have to scare him?" Snippy snapped.

Engie looked up from where he stood, bent over Pilot's mouth. Pilot's mask was in the aviator's lap and Engie was trying to pry open his mouth. Pilot hadn't been complaining about any pain but he had stopped eating and was constantly rubbing at his jaw. Finally Engie and Snippy had concluded that this meant that Pilot had a toothache. Probably from too much cotton candy.

"You're taking this mom thing pretty seriously." Engie said, finally giving up on getting Pilot's tightly clenched teeth apart.

"He won't be of any use to any of us if he starves." Snippy pointed out irritably. While he didn't like that he had been dubbed 'army matron' it did mean that Pilot was a little less hostile. Pilot now saw Snippy as the kind of cute, comfortable shoe a mother would wear instead of a generic, useless kind of shoe. And, yeah, a scared-of-the-dentist-like-a-little-kid Pilot tugged at Snippy's heartstrings.

"Well, then, you get him to open his mouth." Engie suggested.

Snippy sighed. "Pilot, if you don't let us make sure that your teeth are healthy then they're all going to fall out and you'll die." Pilot just sat there frowning. "I'll tell Captain on you?" Pilot whimpered but didn't do anything else. "No more bedtime stories!" That also didn't help. "Aaah, no more goodnight kisses before I tuck you in at night?"

"He gets goodnight kisses!?" Engie yelled.

"What, you want one too?" Snippy snapped.

"N- bu- KISSES?!" Engie cried, his hands flailing in every direction.

"It was Captain's idea. And I don't give Pilot good night kisses. I give them to... well, it doesn't matter." Snippy mumbled.

"The kisses are for Mr. Kittyhawk!" Pilot said. "He can't sleep without them."

There was a pause as Engie stood there in shock and Snippy died a little on the inside due to embarrassment. Then both men dived on Pilot and the aviator suddenly found himself with Engie's fingers in his mouth while Snippy held his hand with his right hand and used the elbow of his left arm to keep Pilot's mouth wedged open.

**XxX**

A few bitten fingers and one bitten elbow later, Pilot was happily eating his dinner while Snippy and Engie looked after their various injuries. Luckily, Pilot had no cavities as far as they could tell. He did, however, have a small piece of metal digging painfully in his gums until Engie removed it.

This now means that Snippy has to check everyone's dinner in case other stray substances made their way into the cans during production (unless he finds a hidden stash of tetanus shots).


	2. Christmas

**The Post-Apocalyptic Family Captain**

_**A Series of Drabbles** _

_Dark Lady Devinity_

**Christmas**

One day Engie and Pilot woke up to find Snippy missing and Captain gleefully singing about bells. However, before anyone had a chance to ask Captain what he was doing the purple goggled man saw them and bounded over to them. Captain slapped them on a shoulder each and Engie just knew he was giving them an evil grin.

"Go and buy your mother some Christmas presents!" Captain announced.

"Presents for the mommy shoe? Wouldn't it be better to buy presents for your mighty self?" Pilot asked.

"Charles Snippy is not my mother!" Engie yelled. "Wait, Christmas?"

"Yes! Today's Christmas Eve my minion. And Pilot, you don't have to worry about my presents. It's the mother's job to buy the presents for the patriarch and children." Captain said.

That explained Snippy's absence. Still, there was no way of knowing if it was Christmas or not as no one had been keeping close track of time lately. Also, Christmas was one of the traditions left behind in the last couple of decades.

"So what's your job then?" Engie asked.

"You'll see." Captain said.

**XxX**

Pilot wasn't one to ignore an order from zee Captain so Engie found himself being dragged through a decaying department store by an excitable aviator.

"You do realise we're too old to be adopted and Snippy most certainly wouldn't choose to adopt us of all people right?" Engie asked.

Pilot shrugged. "If Captain says the shoe is a mommy then the shoe is a mommy. I don't remember my mommy but I guess I had one. Unless I _AM_ a cabbage patch baby! And there's going to be _PRESENTS_!"

Engie blinked but didn't say anything else. Pilot's words were both really sad and really childish at the same time. The engineer wondered if Snippy was putting the same effort into this Christmas thing as well or if he was somewhere slacking off.

Suddenly Pilot screamed in delight and raced towards a rotting display. Engie gripped his chest as if to keep his rapidly beating heart in his body before calming down enough to follow the man that had terrified him. As soon as Engie had gotten close, Pilot starting waving a small package in his face. Engie had to catch his hand and take the package from him just so he could focus his eyes on it. Pilot had found a pair of glittery pink, green, blue and yellow coloured shoelaces.

"Um? What's so great about shoe laces?" Engie asked.

"It's the perfect accessory for a shoe." Pilot explained slowly, like Engie was a mentally challenged child. "It's glittery so it will make the shoe look cooler; it's got bright colours so its mommy appropriate and it symbolizes us like a family. Which makes it even more mommy appropriate. Green for me, yellow for you, blue for the shoe and pink for Captain!"

That was sweet enough that Snippy, being a huge softie, would actually appreciate it. Now it was only Engie that needed to find something. Pilot was looking at him expectantly so that meant the aviator wasn't planning on saying the gift was from the both of them. Maybe he could find Snippy new mask filters? Then Engie remembered that there was a fireworks store down the street and the department store had a clothing section for teens. If he could find one of those tacky bullet belts then he could use the belt and the gunpowder from the fireworks to make some bullets for Snippy's gun. It was a practical gift, it would satisfy both Snippy and Captain and it would get this charade over quickly.

"Pilot, I have a plan." Engie announced.

**XxX**

The next day Pilot woke Engie up by jumping on his bed.

"It's Christmas!" Pilot announced cheerfully over Engie's pained groans. Then the aviator dragged the engineer from his bed and down the stairs to the living room. Waiting for them was a dead tree decorated in large red glass balls and four plates of warm beans. Snippy was outside putting out the fire he had obviously used to cook the beans and Captain was stood next to the tree wearing a too large red coat and red hat trimmed with white fur over his normal clothes.

"Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas." Captain announced.

"Santa!" Pilot cried and gave Captain a big hug. Engie wasn't going for it.

When Snippy came back inside, Engie pointed out Captain's clothes and the tree. "Your doing?"

"My task was hard enough as it was without looking for a tree and things to go on it. No, apparently getting a tree and dressing up like a clown is a father thing." Snippy said. "Now, if no one minds, I'd like to eat my breakfast before it gets cold."

"But presents!" both Captain and Pilot whined.

Snippy looked like he was going to argue but, as always, he relented. Engie grabbed his breakfast and took it with him. Then Snippy passed out the presents he had managed to gather. For Pilot, he had gotten a new leash for Photoshop, a model airplane, new mask filters and a female puffin plushie: a girlfriend for Mr. Kittyhawk. ("Pilot, there's no need to cry. I just thought that Mr. Kittyhawk would be less likely to betray you to Cancer if he had a girlfriend to tell him when he was having a bad idea." Snippy explained. Pilot hugged him.) For Captain, he got new mask filters, a princess fairy toy wand and a collection of spoons. ("Captain asked for the spoons and wand." Snippy said.) For Engie, he got a set of incredibly tiny screwdrivers meant for delicate work, new mask filters and old, water damaged Russian copy of _The Nutcracker and the Mouse King._ Apparently mask filters were the modern Christmas' socks and underwear.

"These are amazing. Where did you find them?" Engie asked in genuine amazement as he looked between the screwdrivers and the book.

"Yeah, well, I'm amazing." Snippy said, his goggle lids giving the indication that he was blushing. "And I have my ways."

Then Engie gave Snippy his homemade bullets and Pilot handed over the shoelaces. Engie explained the thought process behind both. Snippy gave Pilot a one arm hug and nodded his thanks at Engie. After the presents were carefully studied, Captain declared it time for breakfast. Everyone ate while admiring Captain's Christmas tree. After breakfast, they sang Captain's modified Christmas carols.

It was the best Christmas possible in the dead world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Multi coloured shoelaces are a shoe's equivalent to a daughter's pride ring (or, in this case, mother's pride ring).


	3. Nightmares Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This plot idea was suggested to me by smergrl3495 on fanfiction.net

**The Post-Apocalyptic Family Captain**

_**A Series of Drabbles** _

_Dark Lady Devinity_

**Nightmares Part One**

" _If you're so smart why can't you figure out how to get out of this situation, huh Gromov?"_

" _Did that nerd just ask me out? Eew!"_

" _I'm going to help you make friends with this toilet bowl, nerd."_

" _Just run home to your mommy, crybaby!"_

"What are you doing?"

Engie's head snapped up when he realised that last comment was loud and clear and came from an adult. The Russian, blinking the sleep from his eyes, looked up to find Snippy standing over him. Engie sighed, realising he had passed out on the kitchen table after another long night of little sleep and vivid nightmares. Usually it was Snippy that was passed out on the kitchen table after long nightmare-filled nights and the sniper was obviously wondering why Engie was doing his thing.

"What does it look like? I'm sleeping. Or I was." Engie said.

"In the middle of the day on the table?" Snippy asked.

"I was up all night working on a project." Engie snapped. "Some of us do have things to be doing you know."

From the way that Snippy recoiled, Engie knew that he had been unnecessarily harsh. The sniper frowned and waved his hand at Engie as if to brush away his words. Then the marksman left the room. Engie sighed. He was used to being left on his own by human beings. He had never had friends as a child. He had, unfortunately, been too smart for the other children and thus had not known how to relate to them. The other children, however, knew exactly how to relate to Gromov. They teased him, called him a plethora of names, stole his lunch money and gave him swirlies. He had gone into robotics because of his childhood. Robots had never abandoned or betrayed him… well, until ANNET. But the thing about ANNET was simple: she had been everything in his life. He had never had nightmares about being bullied or abandoned when he was working on ANNET because he was so focused on her and making her perfect. Then, when she betrayed him and humanity, he had spent so much time fearing her and feeling guilty. Then he had joined zee Captain and invested a lot of his energy into not pissing off Snippy. But now his life had quieted down: Snippy knew who he was and hadn't killed him, they hadn't been attacked by anything lately and Pilot and Captain were more interested in torturing Snippy than him. This meant that Engie had finally started to unwind and his mind had the energy and resources to betray him. Last night had been the third night Engie had experienced nightmares. The first two nights had been vivid reminders of the physical pains he had been put through. Last night's dreams and his kitchen table dreams had been auditory tortures. Engie had convinced himself that the nightmares would fade away once he got used to his slower lifestyle.

He couldn't have been more wrong.

**XxX**

Four days had passed since Snippy had found Engie slumped over the kitchen table and things hadn't improved any. Engie had been irritable, rude and he had almost made Pilot cry once. He also was acting like it was his personal mission to remind Snippy why the sniper had hated the engineer so much in the past. The only reason why Snippy hadn't punched him in the face yet was the fact that Engie seemed like he was going to faint at any time. Still, he was convinced that Engie was only behaving in such an odd manner because he was a bitch and missed being the boss of everyone.

Of course, Snippy couldn't read minds so he had no idea what was really going on inside Engie's head. Engie knew from experience that you couldn't rely on human beings and he didn't want to have anything to do with his comrades while his nightmares were still haunting him. He just knew that if he expressed any amount of emotional distress he would find himself being laughed at. The others simply couldn't care about him and why would they? He had used Captain for his experiments on luck and lorded his superiority over Snippy before the world as they knew it ended. And somehow Engie knew Pilot was all his fault. So it was better to push everyone away before they could hurt him.

**XxX**

" _You're really not anything at all are you? What's the point of acting so smart if you're so pathetic?"_

" _If only he wasn't able to write his exams. If the world wasn't being awed by his test scores then they'd know how worthless he really was."_

" _Well then, why don't we break his fingers?"_

" _Look guys, the big baby's already screaming! How loud do you think he'd scream if we actually broke his fingers?"_

" _Let's find out."_

Engie shot up in bed, screeching as he clutched his dominant right hand, not noticing that the fingers were strong and whole despite the fact that two fingers had been broken all those years ago. He didn't even notice that he was awake and thus was still trapped in the nightmare when Snippy burst into his room. The sniper was panting hard, like he had run to Engie's aid in a marathon sprint, and was searching for an assailant. There wasn't one to be found though. Snippy sighed and rubbed his face, wondering if he had dreamed the attack and if the reason for Engie's distress had been the fact that Snippy had burst into his room like a crazed person.

Snippy was planning on making a quick retreat and had even made it back out the door before he realised that Engie was still shaking. The engineer should have been yelling at the sniper for disturbing him if this particular instant had resulted from one of Snippy's nightmares. But Engie just sat there, oddly clutching at his hand and sweating profusely. Snippy cringed and remembered all the years he had suffered from nightmares. Even when his dreams were at their worse and his hatred for Gromov was at its peak, he had never wished his pain on Gromov. He always settled for visualizing ANNET blowing up. So he knew just how much Engie was hurting. Sighing, Snippy quickly imagined ANNET blowing up in glittery pink sparks of death before he walked over to Engie. Snippy sat on the bed behind Engie and delicately patted his back.

"There, there." Snippy said awkwardly. He briefly wondered if anyone actually said that to people when they were seriously trying to calm them down or if it was only in cartoons. It certainly didn't seem to calm Engie down because the man just froze. Snippy frowned and then realised that Engie was still wearing his gear. The engineer had likely been too tired to remove his things and fell asleep with the heavy gear on. Snippy got up and moved so that he could crouch down in front of Engie and remove his goggles and mask. He was startled when he saw that Engie's dark eyes were wide with fear and unshed tears.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Snippy asked softly.

Engie just burst into one huge sob and then curled into himself, head resting on his knees and he hugged his legs. Then he simply started to bawl like an infant. Snippy froze like a deer in headlights and contemplated running for his life. Engie was obviously so far gone that he didn't even know Snippy was there. Snippy had never known what to do less than in that moment. He had a vague thought that Captain had totally oversold Snippy's mothering skills. But that thought made Snippy think of Mama Snippy. His mom was a tiny little slip of a woman with deep blue eyes and raven black hair. She lived by the motto that hugs and hot tea could cure anything. Snippy didn't have any tea but he had perfectly good arms. Snippy gingerly put his arms around Engie and sat there awkwardly. He thought about saying "there, there" again even though his mom never did (she used to prattle on about things that Charles found ridiculous until he was crying because he was laughing, not scared) when Engie finally relaxed a little.

Although he could sense how awkward the hug was, Engie marvelled at the warmth and safety provided. He slowly let himself relax as he realised that no one hugs a person before they break their fingers. He cuddled into the hugger's chest, wondering why his parents never hugged him after he had come home hurt or crying from a hard day surviving school. He hugged back on instinct. He had come to realise that he had been dreaming and that he was now safe and awake but the part of his brain that still clung to the dream was still twelve years old and so very lonely. Suddenly he realised that Captain and Pilot would never give awkward hugs because they threw themselves so intensely into everything that they did. This meant that the only person who had ever willingly hugged Engie was Charles Snippy.

Engie forcefully pushed himself back from Snippy and wiped at his eyes. He blushed and refused to face the former tour guide, even when the man sheepishly handed his gear back. Engie quickly put his things back on so that Snippy couldn't see how upset he was. But he could still see how uncertain of himself Snippy felt for the blue eyed man hadn't been wearing anything on his face. If anything, Snippy looked like he had thrown his coat on in a hurry and he was wearing the expression of someone who had suddenly been awakened due to a complicated situation. Engie groaned internally when he realised that he had woken Snippy and now he had to deal with a confused, uncertain sniper.

Snippy finally allowed himself to relax when he realised that Engie was as safe as he was ever going to be and shifted so that he was sitting with his back against the wall and his legs dangling over the bed.

"Care to tell me what all that was about?" Snippy asked.

Engie adopted his position. "It was nothing. Just a bad dream."

Snippy snorted but didn't look at him. "Gromov, I _am_ the nightmare _king._ There's no such thing as 'just a bad dream.'"

Engie frowned. That was the thing, wasn't it? Charles Snippy had led a life filled with debilitating nightmares. Nothing Engie could say would shock him because Snippy knew what it meant to have a dream so bad you screamed yourself hoarse. So the engineer allowed himself to break down walls that he didn't know where there and he told Snippy about how bad his childhood was. Snippy nodded and even inspected Engie's fingers himself when the engineer started to explain the memories behind his most recent nightmare. Engie was concentrating so hard on telling his story that he didn't notice how he was gradually curling himself around Snippy's body. He fell asleep leaning against his former subordinate. Snippy just patted Gromov on the head and settled in for an awkward sleep and a crick in his back when he woke up.

**XxX**

There weren't any more nightmares that night. And in the morning, the only acknowledgement either man made to that night was when Engie asked Snippy how his back was.

**TBC**


	4. Nightmares Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This plot idea was suggested to me by smergrl3495 on fanfiction.net

**The Post-Apocalyptic Family Captain**

_**A Series of Drabbles** _

_Dark Lady Devinity_

**Nightmares Part Two**

Being the nightmare king must have given Snippy special powers over bad dreams because Engie had slept deeply and comfortably after Snippy caught him in the aftereffects of his nightmare. The engineer was now back to his usual annoying, know-it-all but generally tolerable self and he had even made sure to make it up to Pilot for that time he nearly made him cry. This was actually a very good idea on his part as Snippy later uncovered a nefarious plot that Pilot had developed in the name of vengeance.

Well, as nefarious as Pilot was capable of being, anyway.

It had been weeks since that incident though and neither Snippy nor Engie had brought it up. It was as though they believed that if they never talked about it then it had never happened and thus their relationship didn't have to change. They even managed to ignore it when Captain subtly - strangely enough- alluded to it (Snippy would later realise that Captain had been watching him sleep again when the sniper had taken off running in response to Engie's screaming). However, no matter how much neither one wanted things to change, change had already begun. Snippy and Engie were a bit closer, they didn't fight as much and Snippy spent more time watching Engie's back while Engie spent more time actually being around Snippy.

No one thought it strange that anything good involving Snippy had managed to last as long as it did.

**XxX**

" _Dear Lord, Alexander. Can't you at least try to make friends with some of the other children? They're from good families you know! Your father is going to be so disappointed."_

" _Alexander, your mother and I have to attend an important luncheon. We don't have time to go talk to your school principle just because you can't handle a little harmless teasing like a man."_

" _I think you managed to make the little nerd cry. Does that count as five points or six?"_

" _There isn't anyone in this world that will ever like you!"_

Engie forced himself into waking up. He shuddered as the icy tendrils of memory crept down his brain stem before sliding down his spine, leaving his whole body feeling chilled. He tried to remind himself that they were only dreams and that they couldn't hurt him. But instead he found himself longing for dreams like the one where his classmates broke his fingers. At least when he was being physically bullied he hadn't felt like he was drowning in a sea of neglect. It took him a few moments to realise that he felt like he was underwater because his face was drenched in his own tears. Engie make a wet, gasping noise as he sucked in his breath and eyed his decayed bedroom door. He felt abandoned when Snippy didn't burst through it like he had the last time Engie had a nightmare. Snippy had been a warmer, more compassionate human being in that one night than Engie's mother had been the entire time Alex had been growing up. And now he wasn't here. _Why wasn't he here?!_

Shuddering, terrified and so very lonely, it took Engie's addled mind far longer than it should to realise that because it hadn't been a physical abuse nightmare he hadn't screamed. Snippy simply didn't know that there was anything wrong in the base. Engie laughed even as he found himself sobbing harder. He was a grown man and yet he was desperate for the company of someone he himself had bullied. The irony was not lost on him. Still, there was no denying that he wanted Snippy and his awkward comfort skills. And Engie knew he was never going to get back to sleep with the way he was feeling at that moment. So he dried his face as best he could with his sleeve, accepted that he was going to embarrass himself and gathered up his few blankets, his pillow and his mask. Then he quietly shuffled his way out of his room, down the stairs and into the living room where Snippy usually slept.

Cautiously, Engie looked into the room. He waited until he was certain that Captain wasn't standing over the couch and watching Snippy sleep as the German was prone to do. Then, when the coast was clear, he crept over to where he knew Snippy was laid out on the couch. Engie had decided that he would just curl up in a ball at the end of the couch and then be gone in the morning before Snippy woke up. That way the other man wouldn't have to know that the engineer needed his support so much. Engie even thought he was doing pretty well at being sneaky when he accidently crashed into a coffee table that he had forgotten was there. His eyes had not adjusted to the dark as well as he had hoped.

There was movement in the direction of the couch and then a sleepy yawn could be heard. Engie froze when he realised that Snippy had woken up. Although he couldn't see too well in the dark, Engie could tell that Snippy had been moving and then had frozen. When the bit of movement Engie could see started again and was obviously slow and cautious, Engie knew that Snippy was reaching for the gun he always kept nearby. Engie contemplated leaving as quickly as he could. If he wasn't there then Snippy would likely just assume he had been awoken by a dream or small rodent. Uncertain of what to do, Engie whined.

"Oh. What's going on?" Snippy asked drowsily. Engie was about to turn around right then and just leave as he realised that Snippy could recognise the sound of him _whining_. But at the same time, Snippy had not made any cruel comments about his whining like a child or small dog. Despite all the blackmail material Snippy had recently gathered on Engie, he had never once done anything to hurt him or mock him. There wasn't any reason why tonight would be different.

"Bad dream. Can I sleep with you?" Engie asked.

"… You want to try to fit two people on a couch?"

"Uhh…" _Yup,_ Engie thought, _this was a bad idea. Father was right about my not being a man._

Snippy sighed. "Fine. Just don't hog the blankets okay? It's cold."

That had not been the response that Engie had been expecting. He had truly anticipated that Snippy would say no because his awkward hug from that long ago night had proven that the sniper was not comfortable with intimate contact. Engie was not about to let Snippy change his mind after everything he had been through that night, thought, and he hurried over to the couch. Snippy was shifting as far into the couch as he could so that Engie would have room to lie down.

As the engineer got settled, Snippy found himself waking up a little more and he comprehended just how upset Engie truly was. A heavy feeling settled into the former tour guide's stomach and Snippy grasped just how upset Engie being upset made him. Snippy could better appreciate the time his mom tried to explain how much it hurt her to see him unhappy now. And, somehow, somewhere along the way, Snippy had turned into his mother. He hadn't recognized how much he was using her parenting techniques to take care of Engie and Pilot as of late. Now he understood that, in a way he couldn't comprehend, he had taken Engie in as his own kid. Snippy wanted to laugh as he was pretty sure Gromov was older than him, even if only by a couple of years.

Meanwhile, Engie was stiff as a board as he lay down, trying his best not to make physical contact with Snippy. The Russian had forgotten how small a couch could be when two people were trying to lie on it instead of sit. After a minute, he heard Snippy sigh and then the sniper pulled him to his chest and _snuggled_ down to sleep.

"Night, Alex." Snippy said softly and it wasn't long before he was asleep.

Engie froze at the use of his given name. He hadn't thought it was possible for Snippy to be that caring or, for that matter, cuddly. Eventually the Russian gave in and allowed himself to enjoy the sensation before he fell asleep himself.

**XxX**

The next morning, Snippy and Engie woke to find Captain standing over them. Engie only jumped a little but he could feel Snippy's heart pounding against his back. The engineer made a mental note about how much the sniper didn't like unexpected things when he first woke up even if Captain's behaviour should have been old hat by now.

"I see I have chosen a good mother for mein minions." Captain said. "This is satisfactory."

It was satisfactory for Engie as well. He would still have the occasional nightmare and there would be many nights when Snippy and Engie could be found curled up on the couch together. It had become second nature to view Snippy as some sort of comforting yet demented mother figure. It wasn't something they talked about but it wasn't unusual for them to call each other by their first names after that night. Engie even learned to find Captain's stalkerish behaviour of watching over Snippy (and often, by extension, himself) to be comforting. Although Engie also learned to wake up first so that he could lead Captain away and let Snippy avoid the usual fright he suffered after waking up to the Captain's face.

Although after the time Pilot tried to join them on the couch one night it was decided that Mama Snippy needed his own room or at least a bigger couch.

**Nightmares Concluded**


	5. Bonding Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one comes from a suggestion by temarcia on fanfiction.net

**The Post-Apocalyptic Family Captain**

_**A Series of Drabbles** _

_Dark Lady Devinity_

**Bonding Time**

Snippy had gotten used to mothering the others. Every day he helped Engie with some project or another while every night he tucked Pilot in and gave Mr. Kittyhawk goodnight kisses. All the while, he never thought about how Captain viewed this little situation. He had even forgotten that Captain had labelled himself the father of the little company. And that was a blunder that Snippy would regret for the rest of his life.

**XxX**

"I have noticed how well mein minions are adapting to having mein snippy-sniper as a mother. This brings me much joy." Captain announced one day over breakfast.

Engie grunted over his beans but mostly ignored Captain's speech while one of Snippy's goggle lenses acted like a single raised eyebrow. Only Pilot was excited over the announcement as he lived to make Captain happy.

Captain nodded at Pilot. "Yes, it is a wonderful thing. Troop morale has risen through the roof. Soon everyone will be in optimal condition to help me wage war on the traffic lights. But then I thought: how can they truly ever be ready with just maternal guidance to lead them? They cannot! All wayward children need the true guidance of a father figure! And that figure is, of course, zee sexy Captain! So mein minions, we are to have zee father-son bonding and I will teach you how to be real men!"

"Bwah? What if we don't want to?" Snippy asked.

"Of course we want to bond with Captain, you silly mommy shoe!" Pilot cried. "When can we start the bonding?"

"Zee father-son bonding is not optional." Captain said. "And Snippy, you are neither a father nor a son for you are a mother. And mothers cannot participate in father-son bonding! Pilot, you, Engie and I shall begin the bonding after everyone finishes eating."

"What will this bonding entail?" Engie asked as Pilot started to wolf down his beans with a little too much enthusiasm.

"Zat is a surprise." Captain said.

Snippy frowned. He didn't like the sound of father-son bonding even if it did mean that he got to have a luxurious few hours to himself. His mind was too busy been riddled with images of Captain bringing the others home in body bags. His concerns weren't alleviated when Pilot started to choke on his beans and Snippy had to thump him on the back until the younger man was breathing again.

Still, Snippy didn't do anything when it was time for the others to go except watch as they walked away, perhaps never to return.

**XxX**

Engie and Pilot trailed behind Captain as he sang an overly cheery song about making men out of them (although Engie wasn't sure what Huns had to do with anything). Finally, Captain stopped in the center of a relatively clear field. The German turned to face his men and clapped his hands.

"We shall be doing all of the traditional manly things that fathers and sons do together: hunting, fishing, gambling, baseball, building rocket cars and going to strip clubs." Captain said.

"There are things in there that Snippy would disapprove of if he were a real mother… wait, rocket cars?" Engie asked.

"Yes! Apparently fathers and sons build miniature rockets or work on cars. That is too mundane! So we will turn cars into rockets and launch them into space." Captain explained.

"Awesome!" Pilot said.

"I can… actually do that." Engie said. He started to contemplate the necessary components in his head.

Captain nodded. "Then that is where we shall start."

**XxX**

Snippy had been initially apprehensive about the father-son bonding time but when an hour passed and no one came home crying he decided to relax. He took the opportunity to clean his gun and take stock of his ammunition. Then he got really bored because he had never been given an opportunity like this before and he didn't know what to do with himself. Snippy had actually started to make all the beds in the house to stave off the boredom.

He had been making up Pilot's bed when a loud eruption-like noise occurred. Snippy jumped and ran to the window in time to see a car speed by, fire coming out of the back of her. Then the car lifted off the ground and made its way high into the atmosphere.

Snippy flashed back to the time Captain had strapped a jet engine to a subway train and his heart momentarily stopped. He wondered if anyone had actually been in the car when it flew off. The sniper shook his head and went to retrieve his rifle. Then he stood in the center of the living room and took a deep breath. He was going to find the others, put an end to the bonding time and then look for a tranquillizer for Captain… and maybe one for himself.

**XxX**

"Girls these days don't know how to entertain!" Captain lamented as they came out of a club where all the strippers had been skeletons.

"At least the rocket car worked. I'm pretty impressed with that." Engie said.

"What's next?" Pilot asked.

"Extreme high-speed baseball." Captain answered.

Snippy, who had found them just when they had come out of the strip club, hid behind a broken statue. He knew that Engie was generally uncoordinated while Pilot was far too coordinated. The aviator was very capable of throwing a ball too hard and too fast for Engie to catch, meaning Engie would get hit in the face and have his nose broken. Snippy couldn't allow that to happen but he knew he couldn't reason with Captain. He needed to sabotage the game.

While Captain explained the rules Snippy caught sight of what had to be the ball that Captain was intending to use. The sniper sneakily crept towards the ball and then grabbed it before returning to his hiding spot.

"Why, my plody thing had disappeared!" Captain cried. "Oh well, let's play the game. Here is our ball."

Snippy blinked when Captain pulled an actual baseball out of his coat. Through some miracle, it was still white. But what was a 'plody thing'? Snippy looked down at what he had taken and realised that 'plody' was short for 'explody.' The ball was a small, previously deactivated bomb. And Snippy had just set it off. He threw the bomb and managed to avoid the worse of the explosion.

"What was that?" Pilot asked. The group had been walking back to the clearing when the bomb went off.

"Do not concern yourself with it." Captain said.

**XxX**

They tried hunting after the baseball game. Snippy, in his attempt to keep the worse of the mutants away, was mauled by something with far too many teeth. Meanwhile, Captain had taught Pilot and Engie a snare and they had successfully used it to capture Photoshop.

**XxX**

Then there was fishing. Snippy nearly drowned. Pilot, Engie and Captain exchanged tall tales of olden day fishing stories in safety.

**XxX**

When the gang was ready to try gambling, Snippy gave up and went home. He didn't want to know how gambling could hurt him. He'd probably win a huge hand and then get mugged on the way home. He treated his injuries at the base and went to bed out of it. In the morning he would let Pilot excitedly tell him about all the fun things they did with Captain and not say anything about his own day.

And Snippy would never, ever, try to sabotage Captain ever again.


	6. Sibling Rivalry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one comes from a suggestion by smergrl3495 on fanfiction.net. I finished it today before I got a review on this site with a suggestion from Chibi Mari-chan. Both were similar so I hope this fulfills both suggestions.

**The Post-Apocalyptic Family Captain**

_**A Series of Drabbles** _

_Dark Lady Devinity_

**Sibling Rivalry**

Pilot was honestly not fond of the shoe for a variety of reasons. Mostly, he was concerned that the shoe was trying to take Captain away from him. But that didn't mean that he didn't require attention from the shoe as well. Pilot liked being around people although he preferred it if those people obeyed Captain and understood that Pilot belonged with him. Then the shoe was promoted to army matron and a whole new realm of possibilities opened. A mommy would never steal from their baby so Pilot didn't have to worry about the shoe stealing Captain. It also meant that Pilot and the shoe had a whole new range of Captain-approved interactions. Indeed, Captain expected and encouraged those interactions! And, although he'd never admit it, Pilot loved the bedtime stories that the shoe would tell him every night (under order of Captain). So he wasn't too happy when he saw how much time the shoe was spending with Engie.

Pilot knew that Engie would sometimes sleep with the shoe if he was having bad dreams. The shoe was hard to wake up so he wasn't easily disturbed when sleeping. But the shoe and engineer had started to talk more than before, using their given names, when Engie used to be not very social. And sometimes they would share missions. Pilot had gone on two missions with the shoe, maybe? Pilot didn't care that both the shoe and himself were too efficient on their own to need to share missions. As the shoe wasn't paying that much attention to Pilot they didn't fight as often and Pilot couldn't please Captain by being a good son to the mommy shoe. Pilot loathed displeasing Captain but he also missed the fighting. There was lots of talking and non-terrified screaming and warm (if aggressive) human touches when he and the shoe fought. Pilot would receive all of the attention he craved with the added benefit of knowing he didn't have to kill a bunch of people with bombs to get it.

Pilot would never admit to being jealous but he was totally going to get the mommy shoe's attention back onto him.

**XxX**

Pilot faked a small cough one day over breakfast just to see what would happen. It was just one tiny, barely-there cough but the aviator knew that Snippy didn't like it when people were sick or hurt. Sure enough, Snippy's head snapped up from where it was staring down his can of mystery meat. The sniper sent an inquisitive look at Pilot. Captain had not paused in his speech and Engie also failed to notice the cough.

Pilot decided to act like nothing was wrong. He often hid certain injuries so he could continue to serve Captain. He waited a few minutes then coughed again. This time the shoe got up from his seat and pulled off a glove. He felt Pilot's forehead and frowned.

"Captain, he hasn't got a fever but I think Pilot's sick. He probably shouldn't go on any missions today." Snippy said.

Captain nodded. "If you say so, Mr. Snippy. You will, of course, stay home and nurse him back to health. Engie will do your missions."

"Hey!" Engie cried.

Pilot hid a smile by taking a mouthful of his mystery meat. People could say what they wanted about Pilot's sanity but he knew how to be devious when he wanted to.

**XxX**

A few days later Pilot noticed that Engie and Snippy had spent the entire morning in each other's company. This was not acceptable. So Pilot found an appropriate sized hole in the ground and snapped a twig in half. Then he cried out and dropped to the ground. Snippy and Engie both turned towards him and Pilot sneakily stuck a leg in the hole. Engie and Snippy walked towards him and quickly came to the conclusion that Pilot had been hoping for: that the aviator had fallen into an unexpected hole and hurt his ankle. Pilot imagined a sad Captain and that made Pilot sad. Soon he was easily making himself cry.

"What did you do to yourself?" Engie asked.

Pilot just sniffed harder while Snippy eased Pilot's ankle from the hole.

"I don't think anything's broken." Snippy announced. "You've been having a hard time of it lately, haven't you Pilot?"

Pilot nodded, whimpering. Snippy sighed and removed Pilot's mask so he could wipe away the crocodile tears that were gathering on Pilot's face. Then Snippy seemed to come to a decision because his goggles were making their unhappy expression. The sniper then knelt down with his back facing Pilot. Pilot clambered onto the offered back and settled in for a piggy back ride.

"I'm going to take him back to the base." Snippy told Engie.

"Okay." Engie said.

A triumphant Pilot waited until Snippy turned his back to Engie and started the walk back to the base. Then he turned around far enough that he could face Engie without making Snippy drop him. Pilot stuck out his tongue at the engineer and enjoyed the bodily reaction Engie had.

"Hey!" the engineer yelled.

**XxX**

Once Engie figured out what Pilot was up to, he wasn't pleased. Engie knew that Pilot was only trying to get Snippy's attention but Engie couldn't help but feel that he had gotten caught up in a silly sibling rivalry thing. And that really pissed him off. Pilot had Captain, dammit, why did he want Snippy too?

A part of Engie's brain tried to point out that Engie was being ridiculous. But Pilot had managed to annoy the rest of the brain and those regions wanted revenge on Pilot while holding onto all of Snippy's attention. Snippy would have cried had he known how immature everyone had gotten.

Engie had the advantage of knowing Snippy's favourite things: functional weapons, hot coffee, uninterrupted sleep and quiet companionship. He just had to make sure his knowledge rivaled Pilot's knowledge of Snippy's weakness for all things pathetic.

The first thing Engie decided to do was to ask Snippy to teach him to shoot. Snippy was sceptical at first but he did want Engie to have useful defense skills. Pilot wasn't pleased when he caught them practicing. So the aviator pretended he had lost Photoshop and made Snippy help him look for her. Engie retaliated by convincing Snippy to help him search the wasteland for batteries for one of Engie's projects. The back and forth between Pilot and Engie continued on in this way for quite some time.

**XxX**

Snippy collapsed onto the couch, exhausted. He had just been through a particularly harrowing mission with Captain as his companion but at least it had given the sniper a break from Engie and Pilot.

"You seem tired Mr. Snippy." Captain commented.

"Hm." Snippy agreed. "It's Pilot and Engie. They've been really needy lately and it's _driving m_ e _insane._ I just can't keep up."

"Oh?" Captain asked in a knowing tone.

Snippy frowned. He didn't like it when that tone appeared in Captain's voice. It always meant bad news for Snippy.

"What do you know?" Snippy asked suspiciously.

"Why, the children are fighting for your attention Mr. Snippy."

"Bwah?"

"You know how it is with only two children. They are always fighting for zee mother's love. We should have had a little girl to balance out the family." Captain lamented.

Snippy cringed. Everything made so much sense now. But he wasn't looking forward to the talk he would have to have with Engie and Pilot.

"Remember when it was just you and me? I miss those days." Snippy said.

"Does Mr. Snippy want a romantic weekend getaway with his sexy Captain?" Captain asked, sounding quite full of himself.

" _ **NO!**_ "

**XxX**

The night that Captain and Snippy came home from their mission Captain did not join them for dinner. Pilot and Engie were instantly suspicious.

"What's going on shoe? Where's Captain?" Pilot asked.

"I was wondering that as well." Engie said.

"He's giving us some alone time. We need to have a little talk." Snippy said. "I've been informed that the reason you've both been driving me to the brink of exhaustion is because you're jealous of each other and are fighting for my attention."

When both Pilot and Engie begun to sulk without argument, Snippy knew that Captain had been right.

Snippy exhaled through his nose. He wasn't pleased that he had to say this. "Guys, I love you both the same okay? If you need a little extra attention than just say so. Don't fight each other over something that's being given away for free. It's not good for you, it's certainly not good for me and it's not good for the team."

"Okay." Engie said begrudgingly.

"Alright." Pilot whined.

"Well, now that that hell is over, I'm going to eat my canned tuna and go to bed." Snippy said.

Engie nodded and returned to his dinner as well. Pilot, however, was thinking.

"Do you really love us?" the aviator asked.

Snippy froze. Then he relaxed, obviously thinking about what he had been asked. "Yeah, I guess I do." He admitted.

Pilot smiled and allowed himself to finally return to his happy world of Captain worship and unicorns. He knew that one didn't need to fight for maternal love once it was given so there wasn't any need to compete with Engie anymore.


	7. Meet the Parents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This would be crack if RA itself didn't seem like crack sometimes. Still, this story is all my idea and is completely ridiculous. It was written for fun and not for fleshing out the details of my dysfunctional family scenario.

**The Post-Apocalyptic Family Captain**

_**A Series of Drabbles** _

_Dark Lady Devinity_

**Meet the Parents**

_I have always thought that if my love removed his admin privileges then we could be together. I would give him so many hugs. But now my little ladybug drones inform me that my Alex has parents! Perhaps they will remove my love's privileges and we can get married!_

**XxX**

It was a quiet day at the base. Engie was out collecting parts, Pilot was playing with Photoshop in the front yard and Snippy was watching Captain play games on the X-box without an X-box, games or television. They only had a pair of controllers and Snippy wasn't sure what system they actually belonged to. Suddenly, a loud scream echoed throughout the area. Snippy recognised it as Pilot's voice and he hurried to find the aviator. When Pilot screamed, shit was about to go down. Nothing could have prepared Snippy for what he actually found though.

Pilot was aggressively trying to keep an ANNET hunter-drone out of his pants pocket.

"Bwah?!" Snippy asked.

"It wants to fix my blue tiara!" Pilot said in clear distress. "Make it stop!"

"I am trying to win the youthful affections of my love's baby brother." The drone said. "But now my love's mother is here. Is Father inside the house?"

The drone didn't wait for Snippy to answer. It just entered the house of its own volition, going through the wall instead of the already open door.

"I don't like her." Pilot muttered.

"You and me both." Snippy said.

Sighing, the sniper took the safety off his gun and crept into the house only to find Captain and the drone in lively conversation. Snippy lowered his gun and wondered why this was his life. He should have known things were going to get bad- and weird- once he found out he and Pilot could agree on something.

"Mein snippy-sniper, did you know that our Engie has a girlfriend? Ah, mein Engie is a stud." Captain said dramatically, his hand to his heart.

"Hello. I'm ANNET. My love calls me his girl 'Annie.' I hope you'll call me Annie as well." The drone said.

Snippy decided to play it cool and panic later. "May I ask why you're here… Annie?"

"It's dreadfully rude of my love to have not introduced me to his parents before now, isn't it? But he's very important and often busy, as you no doubt know, ma'am." Snippy cringed at the word 'ma'am' but ANNET chattered on. "But I feel it's time for Alex to remove his admin privileges so we can get married."

"Is zat not wonderful? I look forward to zee wedding. We will need music and cake. Much, much cake." Captain said delightfully.

"Oh, and of course, I don't have a father figure of my own so you'll have to walk me down the aisle." ANNET told Captain.

When Captain nodded his head enthusiastically, Snippy felt like their death warrants had been signed. Engie had warned them that ANNET's version of a hug usually ended in mass slaughter. Snippy didn't want to know what kind of destruction a wedding could end in. He needed to put a stop to this.

"Uh, I, um… I don't think that Annie is the best choice of girl for Engie." Snippy said.

"What?" Captain asked innocently.

"WHAT?!" ANNET asked dangerously.

"Ah, that is… he's gay?" Snippy said nervously. The drone seemed to get angrier and Snippy was convinced he was going to die.

"I can see it. That coat is far too trendy for a straight man." Captain mused. "Ah well. I suppose there will be no wedding then."

"NO. That is not acceptable. My love is not allowed to be a homosexual. He will be with me." ANNET demanded.

"If my boy wishes to join the rainbow brigade of unicorns and hairy men in tiny glitter tops then you shall not stop him! Take this!" Captain announced angrily before throwing hot tea into the drone's face.

" _Nooo_! Not again!" ANNET cried. Her drone shook and then exploded. Snippy barely had time to grab Captain and dive behind the couch for safety.

Captain sighed. "Some girls just can't handle rejection."

Snippy sighed and simply said, "Your definition of homosexuality is pretty spectacular."

**XxX**

When Engie came home, Snippy told him that he was not allowed to build another AI computer program ever again. Then Captain asked him where he kept all his rainbows.

Engie had never been more confused in his life.


	8. Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one comes to you from GelibeanH2O: Pilot doing something to make Captain mad and Snippy has to fix it. For some reason, it was really hard to think of something that would make Captain mad.
> 
> This is going to be a short one.

**The Post-Apocalyptic Family Captain**

_**A Series of Drabbles** _

_Dark Lady Devinity_

**Comfort**

It all started out innocently enough. Zee Captain's Army had been travelling about in the wasteland when they came across some very familiar buildings. Snippy had sighed, recognising the office buildings he had spent a fair bit of time in before they found Engie. Captain had returned to ogle at his lady love, the billboard.

Unfortunately, Captain had only ever ogled at the billboard in Snippy's presence so Engie and Pilot had no idea of the sign's importance in Captain's life. Snippy hadn't thought to explain it either. In retrospect, Snippy would have pegged Engie as the one who made the fatal error had he been thinking at the time. But it wasn't Engie who made said error: it was Pilot.

Pilot had cocked his head, studying the billboard. Then, before Snippy could hush him, Pilot said, "That lady has ugly shoes. Does that mean she's a bad shoe?"

Snippy froze; his flight or fight instincts suddenly kicking in. Engie was visibly confused, picking up on the negative air rapidly surrounding them. Captain, meanwhile, was releasing an almost visual aura of seething rage.

"Pilot!" Captain yelled in a tone that made everyone cringe. "Do not insult ma cherie! She is precious and wonderful and one day we will be together forever!"

Pilot stiffened, audible sniffles coming from inside his mask. Captain had never yelled at him, especially not in such an angry manner. Usually that ire was directed at Snippy and even then it was rare. Few things made Captain mad. Unable to take it anymore, Pilot ran from the area, crying wretchedly. Captain shook with rage before he calmed down enough to turn around and march into the building that had the best billboard-viewing floor.

"What was that all about?" Engie asked nervously.

"Pilot just insulted Captain's _special_ billboard." Snippy groaned. "He usually just tells me to shut up when I point out that he's talking to a billboard, not a living thing, but I've never insulted it before."

"So how much trouble is Pilot in then?"

"I have no clue. But Captain's his world so he'll probably hurt himself more in penance than any punishment Captain would come up with."

**XxX**

He found the aviator sitting on the foundational remains of a long gone building, clutching Mr. Kittyhawk to his chest. Snippy frowned. He didn't like it when Pilot would tug at his heartstrings, even if it wasn't on purpose. Sniper and aviator had never gotten along in the past but this army matron thing was changing their relationship to the point that Snippy emphasized with Pilot's heartbreaks and joys more than he would like.

That and the fact that a depressed Pilot looked an awful lot like a kicked puppy.

Begrudgingly, Snippy dropped down onto the foundation and sat by Pilot's side.

"So..." Snippy hesitated, thinking 'Crap. It's _actually easier_ to comfort _Engie_. "Ah, what's up?"

Pilot mumbled something under his breath. Snippy was about to nudge him when the aviator suddenly exploded. "Captain hates me!"

The former tour guide jumped at the sudden intensity. Pilot was now wailing at the top of his lungs, an impressive feat in a full gasmask. The man-child's obvious distress reminded Snippy why he so resented being in this position: he didn't mind making Pilot feel better but he hated that Captain had allowed his most loyal minion to feel that badly about himself.

"Captain doesn't hate you. He's just a little irritated. He's very fond of that billboard." Snippy explained carefully.

"Why?! It's just paper and steel!" Pilot whined.

Oh, of all the times for Pilot's logical self to come out. Snippy had only ever heard sane words come out of Pilot's mouth twice before and both times had been at the most inopportune moments possible.

"Listen, just tell Captain you're sorry and, I don't know, that the sun was in your eyes or something so you couldn't see how glorious the billboard actually was." Snippy said.

"Will that work?" Pilot asked.

"Uh… yeah. It should." Snippy said. Then he added on- though he didn't know if it was true- "You're his favourite anyway."

The lie was worth it when Pilot perked back up. Snippy smiled, feeling that his motherly duty was done. But then Pilot held out his arms expectantly. Snippy tilted his head, confused.

"What?"

"Moral support hug!" Pilot explained.

Snippy sighed, exasperated. But he didn't actually mind so he quickly gave Pilot the hug he wanted. Later, Pilot would apologise to both Captain and the billboard and Captain would give the aviator a reassuring pat on the head. All would be forgotten. But until then, Snippy would be the one to give out reassurances.

It wasn't the worse job he ever had, after all.


	9. Unicorns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one comes from both GelibeanH2O and worstcase and the comments they made about the 'Meet the Parents' chapter.

**The Post-Apocalyptic Family Captain**

_**A Series of Drabbles** _

_Dark Lady Devinity_

**Unicorns**

One day, Captain took Engie aside and sat him down on the couch. Engie watched, confused, as Captain disappeared into the kitchen. The enigmatic leader returned a few moments later with two steaming cups of tea and a plate of stale tinned biscuits that had seen better days.

"What's going on?" Engie asked.

Captain patted Engie's knee in a reassuring manner; which, considering that it came from Captain, wasn't very reassuring at all. "I know it is not the sort of thing boys talk about to authoritative father-like figures. And there was that old army policy of 'don't ask, don't tell.' But your Captain is a very modern man, ja? You could have told me!"

A faraway part of Engie's mind was scientifically intrigued: it was surprised that something other than ANNET could make him feel such a sinking sensation of dread deep within his stomach. The rest of his mind was more concerned with mapping out some form of escape. Finally, he managed to squeak out, "And… what is it I could have told you, again?"

"Why, about your rainbows, of course!" Captain explained like it was obvious.

"Huh?"

"Now, now. I know all about your love for zee pretty boys. Mama told me all about it."

"Ma- _Snippy_ told you I was _gay_!? Why?" Engie was going to kill the blue eyed man after he figured out when he had been demoted from man to boy. Although the latter probably had more to do with the fact that Captain now considered himself Engie's adoptive father and thus wanted to promote an image of being wiser and thus was not a reflection on his views of homosexuality.

Captain cocked his head in bemusement. "Are you upset that he broke your trust? I know zee more rainbow-y boys are quite close to their mamas. But Mama Snippy only said it to let your girlfriend down easy, mein minion. Although she should have known by your trendy coat where your true alliance lay."

Engie clutched at his fur-trimmed hood with one hand and wondered if he should scavenge up a new coat. He was also concerned about the identity of his supposed girlfriend.

"Would there be any point in explaining to you how I'm not any bit gay at all?" Engie asked.

"One should never deny the little leprechaun in their heart." Captain said.

Engie groaned.

**XxX**

"You are the worse mother ever." Engie told Snippy.

Snippy just shrugged. "Next time I'll let ANNET marry you then."

**XxX**

Captain had carefully explained the relationship between unicorns and homosexuality to Engie during their little 'you can trust your papa' talk. The Russian found himself listening to a crazy story about a magical unicorn that could travel by rainbow. The gay people, having taking the rainbow as their symbol to honour their inner leprechaun, seemed like natural allies to the unicorn. So the unicorn blessed them with glittery tops and pancakes. Somehow Captain had confused sexual orientation with St. Patrick's Day although Engie didn't know where he had gotten glitter tops and pancakes from. Apparently the point of the story wasn't pancakes but the fact that unicorns were attracted to gay men because they were both members of the rainbow brigade.

In other words, Engie was expected to go out into the wasteland and hunt down a unicorn for Captain.

The engineer was given enough time to pack a small bag of supplies and complain to Snippy before Captain gleefully kicked him out of the house. Engie complained bitterly under his breath and decided that he would look for the most masculine jacket he could find. Snippy would have been better at finding one but Engie decided he had enough of his "mother's" meddling.

He trudged about for a bit and found some potentially useful gears and a wrench but no manly jacket. Then, about two hours into his 'unicorn hunting adventure', he tripped and fell down a particularly odd looking pile of rubble. When he saw the massive amount of faded rainbow-coloured junk he just gave up and went back to the base. It only took twenty minutes to get back as Engie, coward that he was, didn't want to get too far away from Captain's amazing luck and had only wandered around in a loose circle around the perimeter.

When he got back, Captain threw open the front door, ran towards him and gave Engie the biggest hug of the engineer's life. Engie momentarily lost the ability to breathe.

"I knew you could do it, mein minion!" Captain cried.

"Do what? I didn't bring back a unicorn." Engie replied in confusion.

Then, with a sense of foreboding, Engie turned around. About a foot behind him was an extremely deformed, radioactive-yellow coloured mutant that vaguely looked like a zebra. And it had a single, curving horn on top of its forehead. The ugly creature had followed Engie home.

"I think I need to go lie down." Engie muttered before heading back to the ruined house. He finally fainted on the front step.

Captain sighed in teary eyed joy. "My boy has brought home his first unicorn. They grow up so fast."


	10. A Weekend Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one is because Freelancer Riley wanted to see something come of Captain's suggestion of a "romantic weekend getaway" in the Sibling Rivalry story.

**The Post-Apocalyptic Family Captain**

_**A Series of Drabbles** _

_Dark Lady Devinity_

**A Weekend Away**

One day Captain declared it was high time for private adult time. Pilot had been confused but Snippy and Engie were both hopeful that it meant they could have some time to do their own things. No such luck.

"This is Susie. She'll be your babysitter." Captain told Pilot and Engie as he brought out a skeleton in a tattered pink tutu. "You'll do everything she tells you too, ja?"

"Yes sir!" saluted Pilot.

"Why do we need a babysitter?" Engie asked, perturbed.

"Ah, mein engineer, this is because mamas and papas need time for just each other. But Mama will worry if you're left on your own." Captain explained.

"I don't like where this is going." Snippy said. The sniper was not subtle in his search for an escape route.

"Oh my Snippity-sniper, you'll like this very much. You get to spend the weekend with me, doing the romantic things that zee parents do." Captain sounded very pleased with himself.

"So sex and sleep." Engie said in an extremely flat voice. "Ew."

Snippy elbowed him. "Don't be gross!"

"What's sex?" Pilot asked.

"Don't answer that." Snippy told Engie in a high voice.

Zee Captain watched his minions argue. This was why his sniper needed a quiet getaway.

**XxX**

Snippy sighed as he dropped his bag on the bed in the "romantic bed and breakfast" Captain booked for them. The old house did look like it had been nice about a hundred years ago but there was no indication that it had been a bed and breakfast. Snippy certainly wasn't expecting breakfast but the bed seemed solid.

Then Captain dropped a bag on the bed as well.

"I thought this was going to be my room. What did you pack anyway?" Snippy asked.

"Silly sniper, we vill share the bed. You don't know much about zee romantic getaways do you? Which is why I packed the essentials."

"What, exactly, are the essentials?" Snippy asked warily. He wondered if today would be the day he finally snapped and killed Captain.

"Let me worry about that. You just have fun. It is time for our first activity anyway." Captain said.

The first activity turned out to be a nature hike along the shores of a polluted pond. Surprisingly- for Captain, not Snippy- none of the other guests from the b&b showed up for the scheduled hike. Captain told Snippy that they had gotten the last room available so there should have been quite a few couples there. Snippy said something to the line that skeletons don't get much exercise. Or they were having sex before sleeping. Snippy decided he was going to punch Engie in the face the next time he saw him.

The hike wasn't all that bad though. Nothing exciting happened except for when a mutated land fish tried to attach itself to Snippy's ankle. But Captain poured tea on it and Snippy kicked the thing into the pond.

As with most bed and breakfasts, the guests had to get their own supper. Snippy had brought some cans of beans with him so after the hike, the sniper and Captain settled down to eat in the recreation room. They spend dinner and the rest of the evening playing poker against two of the skeletal guests. Most of the victories went to Captain but Snippy somehow won one hand. Then Captain flipped the table over in the last game because "Steve" was cheating. "Gerta" was not all that impressed with her husband either.

Then it was time for bed.

**XxX**

"Where did you find fuzzy bathrobes!?" Snippy cried as Captain revealed his "essentials."

Somehow, Captain had managed to procure his and her bathrobes and pajamas. Snippy was pretending that Captain had not brought a pretty blue lace nightgown for the sniper but he didn't care that he had been given a woman's bathrobe. It was _warm and fuzzy._ Now all he needed was a good pair of slippers, some crumpets and a cup of strong tea- a good bathrobe always brought out Snippy's British heritage.

"I have mein ways." Captain said grandly.

As it hadn't been that bad a day, Snippy let Captain kiss him goodnight and then they shared the bed. That was rather nice too as the combination of shared body heat and fuzzy bathrobes meant it was finally warm in the nuclear winter world.

Although Snippy would change his mind about his nice weekend getaway in the morning when Captain was yelling at their hosts because they hadn't gotten any breakfast.


	11. Mother's Day

**The Post-Apocalyptic Family Captain**

_**A Series of Drabbles** _

_Dark Lady Devinity_

**Mother's Day**

It was a cold and dreary morning when Snippy woke up in an old, burned out car. He had not fallen asleep in that car either: Snippy had gone to sleep on the couch in the base after telling Pilot and Mr. Kittyhawk a bedtime story. Snippy looked around the car and realised that he didn't know where he was. His first thought was that something had happened to the others. Yet that did not make much sense as it would have required a lot of effort and risk to carry Snippy away to an old car in the middle of nowhere while hurting the others. Especially as whoever did it had arranged Snippy's body into a comfortable position and provided a blanket. No, the most logical hypothesis was that Mr. Kittyhawk had not liked his bedtime story and had Pilot throw Snippy away. Pilot, feeling bad about that, would have provided the blanket as an apology.

When had this become his life?

Not knowing which way to go, Snippy started looking for footprints. It was a poor plan as Pilot walked lightly enough that he didn't usually leave any. So Snippy was surprised to actually find some footprints. Still, he followed them and eventually he came to an area he knew.

It took Snippy the better part of the day to reach the base and when he got back the place was deserted. There was no evidence that anyone had ever lived there except for how clean the rooms where. Furniture was straightened up and the floor was swept.

Had the others left Snippy behind and cleaned up the evidence so he couldn't tract them down?

As long as the others hadn't taken all the food then Snippy would be fine. They'd probably come back for him in a few months and Snippy was just relieved that he wasn't in a whale this time. He was not going to bother with being lonely or worried. He just wasn't.

Well, he couldn't help but worry.

As Snippy was busy worrying about how the others would feed and clothe themselves without him, he was tackled from behind.

"Happy Mother's Day!" Pilot yelled cheerfully.

"Bwah?!" Snippy asked.

Pilot let go and allowed Snippy to turn around so he could face the squad. Snippy wasn't sure how he felt about not being abandoned just yet.

"Sorry about leaving you in the car. Captain made us clean the house and then forced us into gift shopping." Engie said sheepishly.

Snippy did not like this explanation. It meant that he would have to find something Captain would like for Father's Day.

"I'm not hugging you." Engie added. "I don't care if it's an appropriate gift for a mother."

"He's in his rebellious teenager phase." Captain explained in what he thought was a helpful manner. "Now, it's time for zee ultimate Mother's Day gift."

Snippy's goggles indicated his scepticism. But, he had to admit, there was something charming about how everyone had formed a (dysfunctional) family unit. Then Captain gave him a box of tampons.

"Tampons." Snippy said. He was too surprised to even use his typical 'bwah.'

"Yes. Your sexy Captain wants hiz Snippy to be fresh yet free to move."

Snippy threw the box at him with as much force as possible. "I am not a woman!"

Captain simply caught the box in one hand and looked curiously at the sniper. "You don't need them? Are we going to be parents again? It is the bestest Mother's day ever!"

"Argh!" Snippy screamed and stormed off. He wished he really had been abandoned.

He heard Captain say "Ah. The hormonal rages have started already."

Captain was so going to get a rotting fish in a necktie for Father's Day.


	12. Hobbies

**The Post-Apocalyptic Family Captain**

_**A series of drabbles** _

_Dark-Lady-Devinity_

**Hobbies**

One day Snippy came home with a model plane kit.

It was a beat up, water stained thing that had faded to dull grey and was not immediately recognisable as a model plane kit. But closer inspection revealed that the brand name had not completed faded away. The sniper wouldn't let Captain at the box, instead shoving it into Engie's hands.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" Engie asked as he stared down at the box incomprehensively.

"You're supposed to build it. With Pilot. Isn't that the point of model airplanes?" Snippy said.

"Well, yes, although the building it with Pilot part isn't necessarily the point." Engie said.

Pilot, hearing his name, poked his head into the kitchen. Captain, Engie and Snippy were all staring down the grey little box in Engie's hands. "What's a model airplane? Can it fly?" Pilot asked.

"Why can zee Captain not build the airplane?" Captain asked. "I make zee best planes."

Snippy shifted his stance, appearing embarrassed. "Well, because, oh bawh. Engie likes to build things and Pilot likes to fly things. I thought it would be a fun hobby thing that they could do together. They don't have much in common except for the cotton candy machine."

"And a desire for your motherly affections." Captain added. He sounded oddly checky when he said that. "Now I understand why you did not want my sexy self at the model. I would complete it perfectly too quickly and how would our boys get the chance to bond? Ah, my snippity-sniper, you are a fine mother."

Snippy cringed. "Yeah, and it's a little safer than letting Engie build a search engine with an AI."

"Hey!" Engie cried.

"But can it fly?" Pilot asked curiously.

"No." Snippy explained. "It's just a toy."

Pilot seemed to contemplate that for a moment. Then he appeared to fill with excited energy as he bound over to Engie and grabbed him by the arm. As he dragged the Russian into the living room, he proclaimed, "C'mon shoe, I want to see what the plane looks like!"

And if the two unlikely companions actually got along for more than an hour? Then Snippy would consider it worthwhile to have fought a mutant in order to escape an abandoned craft shop while scavenging a model building kit. And maybe he'd look for more hobby things. But only if Pilot and Engie managed to get along.


	13. Of Losing and Finding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter for this little series. Thanks for following along!

**The Post-Apocalyptic Family Captain**

_**A series of drabbles** _

_Dark-Lady-Devinity_

**Of Losing and Finding**

Pilot's first thought was that Mr. Kittyhawk was planning another betrayal. But then the aviator thought: what if something actually happened to the plushy puffin? Unless they were fighting, Mr. Kittyhawk was never far from Pilot's side. So to go two whole days without seeing the little creature was disturbing and worrisome. To make matters worse Captain, who knew everything and thus would know where Mr. Kittyhawk was, had left the base to go on one of his special just-for-Captain missions. Panicking, Pilot tore up the entire base looking for the puffin but found no evidence that the bird had ever been there.

The aviator viciously kicked his bathtub bed, cursing the fact that it had not offered up Pilot's bed mate.

The tube was built out of cast iron and made a loud clang of protest when Pilot's foot connected with it. That particular noise was enough to catch Snippy's attention from elsewhere in the base and soon the sniper joined Pilot in the bathroom.

"What's wrong? Were you the one who tore up the base? I just had to tell Engie to hide in case hostile wastelanders broke in." Snippy complained. "Do you know how hard it is to get him out of the fetal position?"

The last thing Pilot needed was a lecture from the boobish shoe, army matron or not. He sniffed loudly, wondering if he was going to cry in front of said shoe, and said, "Mr. Kittyhawk is missing."

That got Snippy's attention fast and it shut him up for a moment. Then, very carefully, Snippy asked, "How do you know he's missing?"

"Because I can't find him!" Pilot snapped like it was obvious. Then he winced as he realised how hysterical that sounded. He had to be a good, strong minion if he was going to learn what had happened to Mr. Kittyhawk. Especially if the puffin's disappearance was part of a devious ploy.

"Well… Mr. Kittyhawk is just playing hide and seek!" Snippy said suddenly. "Yep, that's it. So let's go find him together and then you don't have to cry."

Pilot was going to argue that he wasn't about to cry, lie or no lie, when he thought about it. Snippy was really good at finding things. Just like that one time… "So you'll find Mr. Kittyhawk like you found me?"

"Yeah. Just like that." Snippy said.

**XxX**

While Pilot did not seem to mind bringing up the time he had gotten so very horribly lost, Snippy was not fond of remembering that time. Snippy had just been made "Army Matron" because Engie had accidently called him "mother" when the engineer had a concussion and Snippy wanted nothing to do with it. The sniper was still struggling with the knowledge that Engie was actually Dr. Alexander Gromov. So it was really a nice break for Snippy when Captain sent Pilot out on a relatively simple mission. It meant that Snippy would not have to deal with being called a boobish shoe or being threatened by a deranged man-child for a few days.

Pilot did not come home for a week.

The last thing in the world that Snippy wanted was for Captain to think he was actually worried about the aviator. That would only confirm to Captain that Snippy was good mother material. But Pilot should have only been gone for three days tops and it had been nearly seven. There had also been a bad wind storm during that week and a landscape of ruins became a landscape of deadly projectiles when the wind was high. Finally, Snippy told himself that he wasn't worried _at_ _all_. But they could not afford to lose any of the survivors of the apocalypse so he went to find Pilot.

It took another week to find the aviator.

Snippy's nerves were shot when he finally came across Pilot. The green-goggled man was sat in a make shift shelter, curled in on himself. But he appeared otherwise alright. At some point Snippy had been looking for a body instead of a living being but he knew that Pilot was highly skilled at surviving any situation. Still, it was a relief to know the other man was alright.

"Pilot!" Snippy called out, trying and failing to hide the relief in his voice.

"Shoe?" Pilot muttered. Then he looked up and made eye contact with his finder.

For a moment things were awkward between them. Then Pilot shyly said, "I want a hug" at the same time Snippy sighed, held out his arms and said, "Come here."

Pilot bounded over to the sniper, threw himself into his arms and said, "I got turned around in the storm and lost my way. Captain isn't mad at me for being gone so long is he? I'm not a bad minion am I?"

"That's what got you so upset? Making Captain mad and not being lost?" Snippy asked. "You need better priorities."

Pilot kicked at one of Snippy's shins but his heart was more into the hug then properly punishing the shoe.

"You are an ungrateful child. But Captain isn't mad." Snippy said. He didn't add that the only reason that Captain wasn't going to get mad was because he was probably too busy gloating to Engie about how he knew Snippy had motherly instincts. "Anyway, let's go home."

**XxX**

It turned out that Captain had taken Mr. Kittyhawk with him on a whim. But at least Snippy and Pilot managed to get a nice bonding moment out of their reminiscing.

**THE END**


End file.
